They Still Can't Find Osama Either

One thing about America is that the government can do all sorts of things to you and yours without you even knowing about it: alter bank records, issue warrants, re-schedule your flight from Atlanta to Memphis...the sky's the limit. The catch is, they have to find you first.

And in that regard, the government still has some work to do.

Take our current political environment for example. It should go without saying that having the first American president who can't deny his non-white background (aka, he's BLACK, ya'll) would enrage our more uneducated, bigotted and racist citizens. From those who quietly fear minorities to those who just outright hate them, it was clear that having a President whose name is "Barack Hussein Obama" was going to cause some drama.

Like with this guy:

The man, identified as Daniel James Murray, is charged with making threats against the president of the United States.

He recently withdrew $85,000 from a Utah bank and told a teller: "We are on a mission to kill the president of the United States," according to court papers.

Murray is originally from New York, but was seen several times in late May in St. George, Utah, making bizarre statements at a bank.

According to a criminal complaint filed in federal court in Utah, Murray opened an account at Zions First National Bank on May 19 with a $85,000 check.

So they have this guy's info, right? They know who he is, where he's from and even what he put into his new bank account.

The problem? Hint: it's the first sentence of this damn story:

Federal authorities are searching for a man who has at least eight guns registered to him and has threatened to kill President Obama.

[snip]

Authorities do not know where Murray is and said he has been seen driving a blue 2001 Buick LeSabre with New York license plate number ERL 1445.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS. Look; this isn't just some random person who's looking for attention by saying he'd bump off the president. It's a guy who made a Twitteresque statement in broad fucking daylight to a crowd. And he called it a "mission." And he inferred that he wasn't operating alone.

I guess what I'm saying is unless a psycho is literally running into FBI headquarters screaming "EYEZ GONNA KILLZ U" with a weedwacker in one hand and a flash drive of all of his plans, dreams and thoughts in another, Uncle Sam just isn't up for that whole "Let's track this joker down thing." You know, like how they did with the Joker.

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