Because I Need Something Sports-Related To Make Me Smile

From a very credible news source:

PORTLAND, OR—Speaking with members of the Portland media Tuesday, veteran forward Juwan Howard announced between spoonfuls of complimentary tomato soup that he was excited to be a part of the Trail Blazers' organization, and was "proud and grateful" to wear the team's free uniform. "It's exciting to be a part of this team, but the fact that [team owner] Paul [Allen] promised me free rye bread here today was really the determining factor," said the 6-foot-9 power forward, who arrived to the press conference shirtless. "I look forward to contributing in any way I can. Hey, I'll be getting an away jersey, too, right? Gets so cold at night." Howard was the fifth player selected in the 1994 draft, and ever since has been wearing the Washington Bullets hat the team gave him that night.

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