Anniversary-ish G.I. Joe Review: Motorized Action Packs Part One (1987)

 Over ten years ago, I did a few tongue-in-cheek reviews of vehicles from the 1982-1994 G.I. Joe: ARAH line, mostly highlighting how they were ridiculously overpowered and as much a danger to the operators/riders than to any potential target. They are easily among the most viewed posts.

Well, a combination of time, nostalgia and the desire to break the monotony of posting stories about the downfall of society as we know it has lead me to do what everyone does when they stumble upon something remotely popular: do a sequel of questionable quality. 

So here goes; one humble person's review of the G.I. Joe Motorized Action Packs:

PREFACE: This was a unique time for the G.I. Joe line. G.I. Joe: The Movie had come out, and instead of scaring young kids into buying new toys like Transformers: The Movie did, this film introduced a bunch of Joes of questionable character/ability while revealing that Cobra was found by the decedents of a race too weird for the Fantastic Four. In other words, the toys were getting no real help from the 22-minute ads cartoons, and what was coming down the pike (think "if the crew behind Captain Planet started doing G.I. Joe cartoons) wasn't any more promising. And considering that the roster included a bird trainer, a marine in ceremonial uniform and Stephen King's son, well, the Class of '97 needed an edge...

Anti-Aircraft Gun

A weapon that's perfect as long as you're working with an incline; if Cobra ever attacks the Sahara or Oklahoma the Joes are screwed. Also, what's the point of a sight/scope if the machine gun swivels left and right?

Helicopter

The only Joe M.A.P. that make sense as a pack. Too bad they don't come with parachutes, because I see these things getting shot down a lot.

Rope-Walker

With characters like Alpine or Hit-and-Run or devices like the afore-mentioned Helicopter, why have/use this for people? It seems like it's more useful for carrying other, better packs to other Joes.

Radar Station

SNEAK PEEK: "Hey Crazylegs! I located the Cobra Mambas; they're coming in hot!"

CRAZYLEGS: "Awesome Sneak Peek; go ahead an shoot them down!"

SNEAK PEEK: "Uh...this thing doesn't have any weapons. HOW DID G.I. JOE MAKE A DEVICE WITHOUT AS LEAST ONE GUN OR MISSILE?!?" 

Earth Borer

This would be moderately impressive if Cobra hadn't made a vehicle equivalent the same year. Maybe Cobra Commander commissioned the Earth Borer, Destro caught wind of it and thought, "Oh, I can do waaaay better than that." 

Mountain Climber

Considering how Cobra treats their Rock-Vipers, I find it difficult to believe they would design any safe climbing device. 

Pom-Pom Gun

Feels like Cobra saw the Joe Helicopter and said, "Why not just have our guys carry one on the ground? They're gonna get shot at anyway; no need to waste money on propellers." 

Rope Crosser

Again, this would be better at carrying equipment than people. Also, we now have as many mountain/canvas-related packs as we have characters who are likely to use them. Was the designer some mountain enthusiast?