Abridged Pollitics: the 2012 GOP Primary Candidates Arguments

I think we're far enough along in the 2012 Primary to know what the message each of the remaining candidates is trying to convey to the American people:

1. Mitt Romney: Despite the fact that I'm ridiculously wealthy and belong to a religion that's as unpopular as Islam in my party, I'm just like the average joe. Ignore my past political compromising with Democrats except when you need to make an argument that I can attract independent voters. The only thing that truly sets me apart from the other candidates is that I was part of a very profitable business, which somehow translates to me being able to run the United States.
2. Ron Paul: I've decided to adapt Obama's 2004 primary caucus strategy in a very disturbing way: make delegates change their minds after they had already selected a candidate on their state's designated night. I love the Constitution so much that I wish to fundamentally dismantle the government it created. Please ignore the fact that I'm a homophobic neo-isolantionist masquerading as a Libertarian pretending to be a Republican.
3. Rick Santorum: Unless you are a hard-core conservative Catholic, fuck off.
4. Newt Gingrich: People should ignore that when I was an OUTSTANDING Speaker of the House back in the 1990's Bill Clinton ate my lunch and drank my milkshake. Despite the fact that I left two wives for the most selfish of reasons, I am an UPSTANDING and morale political figure. While I try to come off as some INTELLECTUAL history professor, my ideas make me sound like some desperate, out-of-work science fiction writer. Every AWESOME word that comes from my GENIUS mouth highlights the EXTREMELY DIRE conditions I believe THE OBVIOUSLY UNAMERICAN Obama has put our OPTIMISTIC YET NAIVE country through. I love to use adjectives for EMPHASIS.